The delegate dance is over, and proceeded without incident. As seventeen-year-old DJ Menos dropped hot beats and the crowd danced "wildly", one could only imagine the thoughts going through the artist's head: "Who are these nerds, and why do they demand House when I give them sweet, sweet Reggaeton?"
It's a question I have no answer to. All I can say is, towards the end of the party, I sat sipping water and watching Magic Bullet infomercials at the bar, while the delegate in the tie-dye shirt underwent a Techno-induced seizure just a few feet away. Your Under-Secretary Generals for Committees danced the night away, your SecGen continued to be adorable yet deadly, and your USG-A plugged away back at the hotel, typing up the awards certificates that you will put above your beds tonight.
But our thoughts should lie with another Secretariat member. Your Chief of Staff, Emily "Gringa" Brown. It was she who chased DJ Menos around town and through alleyways, she who coaxed a contract out of the wife of the bootleg security guard, she who pacified University Admin by directing the conversation towards London-based fashion.
And it was Emily Brown who sat next to the bartender last night. As he continued to buy her draaaanks, Ms. Brown shed her inhibitions to reveal a previously hidden talent--the smooth insertion of Spanish words into everyday phrases. "DJ Menos has to learn to be a hombre de negocios", she pointed out. A few minutes later, she informed us that "The abogados suck, man". Lalo's manager Juan was most appreciative, and invited us back to his restaurant for the following year. Thank you, Emily Brown. Thank you.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Would You Rather?
Live at the Holiday Inn Mart Plaza, or eat a Holiday Inn Mart Plaza muffin out of a certain secretariat member's butt?
Puke up Lalo's chicken flautas four times, or bathe in Lalo's salsa
Track down DJ Menos's social security number, or have DJ Menos play you a lullaby while you're trying to fall asleep
Wear your sexy WBA, or have sex in your WBA?
Go for the girl-tie WBA or, the skanky skirt WBA? Or both.....
Bathe in Misho's cologne, or be Misho's personal secretary?
Watch a MUN dance-off while sober, or kill yourself?
Puke up Lalo's chicken flautas four times, or bathe in Lalo's salsa
Track down DJ Menos's social security number, or have DJ Menos play you a lullaby while you're trying to fall asleep
Wear your sexy WBA, or have sex in your WBA?
Go for the girl-tie WBA or, the skanky skirt WBA? Or both.....
Bathe in Misho's cologne, or be Misho's personal secretary?
Watch a MUN dance-off while sober, or kill yourself?
Saturday, March 8, 2008
How to wing Best Delegate at ChoMUN (II)
Back by popular demand, secretariat is here to give you the lowdown on ChoMUN's trendiest MUN tactics.
This winning tid-bit has to do with food. The Holiday Eeeen is very proud of their hideous new carpets. They apparently paid a middle-rate interior decorator who couldn't kick it with legit hotel chains to come in and vomit all over the conference area. That being said, they really don't want anyone to spill food on their cheesy fake-marble foyer or their budget brown and orange 1970's carpet. Unless, of course, it is their own burnt maxwell house coffee, mealy apples, or styrofoam bagels. If you want to be best delegate, and you see someone eating outside food, you should repremand that person in front of the chair. An exemplary reprimand sounds something like this: "Please dispose of your dunkin donuts pizza!! In the first place, you're not allowed to eat in here. Second, do you REALLY the extra 2000 calories? Third, when the FUCK did dunkin donuts decide to make pizza? This is wrong on so many levels, you should probably go hang out with your trashy, DD Pizza-Eating cronies someplace where you will not destroy the delicate balance of Holiday Eeenn decor."
On second thought, a surefire way of winning best delegate would be to not eat or drink anything at all throughout the entirety of the conference. Yes, whoever stages the most legit hunger strike will be awarded Best Delegate at ChoMUN XI.
This winning tid-bit has to do with food. The Holiday Eeeen is very proud of their hideous new carpets. They apparently paid a middle-rate interior decorator who couldn't kick it with legit hotel chains to come in and vomit all over the conference area. That being said, they really don't want anyone to spill food on their cheesy fake-marble foyer or their budget brown and orange 1970's carpet. Unless, of course, it is their own burnt maxwell house coffee, mealy apples, or styrofoam bagels. If you want to be best delegate, and you see someone eating outside food, you should repremand that person in front of the chair. An exemplary reprimand sounds something like this: "Please dispose of your dunkin donuts pizza!! In the first place, you're not allowed to eat in here. Second, do you REALLY the extra 2000 calories? Third, when the FUCK did dunkin donuts decide to make pizza? This is wrong on so many levels, you should probably go hang out with your trashy, DD Pizza-Eating cronies someplace where you will not destroy the delicate balance of Holiday Eeenn decor."
On second thought, a surefire way of winning best delegate would be to not eat or drink anything at all throughout the entirety of the conference. Yes, whoever stages the most legit hunger strike will be awarded Best Delegate at ChoMUN XI.
Ms Wall - another person
Name: Amanda Jean WallHer Hair: Uses 99cent CVS brand shampoo and cuts her own hair, making her bathroom kinda gross
Her Awesomeness: Actually wrote her background entire paper within 24 hours of being assigned it
Likes: Music that was written before her time, her psychotic roommates who punch holes in the walls and repeat the same phrases over and over, and chicken nuggets.
Roles: Chair - Algeria
Friday, March 7, 2008
Top Five Ways to Please ChoMUN Secretariat
5. Talk about how you would like to model your life (and conference) after our lives (and conference). Ask for a conference t-shirt and mug.
4. Shake the hand of the Chief of Staff. Repeatedly.
3. Explain to the CFO the proper way to use her camera. Bonus points if you tell her what she could have done better to "get the shot". Speak clearly and slowly, as she is a small brown girl, and may not understand you.
2. Ask Secretariat members where your committee room is before checking the map in your delegate guide. Not after. Before. Oh....it's directly in front of you? LOLZ.
1. Come on shake your body baby do that Conga. No, you can't control yourself any longa.
4. Shake the hand of the Chief of Staff. Repeatedly.
3. Explain to the CFO the proper way to use her camera. Bonus points if you tell her what she could have done better to "get the shot". Speak clearly and slowly, as she is a small brown girl, and may not understand you.
2. Ask Secretariat members where your committee room is before checking the map in your delegate guide. Not after. Before. Oh....it's directly in front of you? LOLZ.
1. Come on shake your body baby do that Conga. No, you can't control yourself any longa.
Know your peeps v.inf
Who he is: FishmanWhat he does: Chairs Charles V
Physical Description: Hair, golden locks
Origin: The Bay Area
Reason for awesomeness: Dude, look at his hair (plus unlike 95% of staffers can grow facial hair)
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