ChoMUN Secretariat: Stayin Alive

The delegate dance is over, and proceeded without incident. As seventeen-year-old DJ Menos dropped hot beats and the crowd danced "wildly", one could only imagine the thoughts going through the artist's head: "Who are these nerds, and why do they demand House when I give them sweet, sweet Reggaeton?"

It's a question I have no answer to. All I can say is, towards the end of the party, I sat sipping water and watching Magic Bullet infomercials at the bar, while the delegate in the tie-dye shirt underwent a Techno-induced seizure just a few feet away. Your Under-Secretary Generals for Committees danced the night away, your SecGen continued to be adorable yet deadly, and your USG-A plugged away back at the hotel, typing up the awards certificates that you will put above your beds tonight.

But our thoughts should lie with another Secretariat member. Your Chief of Staff, Emily "Gringa" Brown. It was she who chased DJ Menos around town and through alleyways, she who coaxed a contract out of the wife of the bootleg security guard, she who pacified University Admin by directing the conversation towards London-based fashion.

And it was Emily Brown who sat next to the bartender last night. As he continued to buy her draaaanks, Ms. Brown shed her inhibitions to reveal a previously hidden talent--the smooth insertion of Spanish words into everyday phrases. "DJ Menos has to learn to be a hombre de negocios", she pointed out. A few minutes later, she informed us that "The abogados suck, man". Lalo's manager Juan was most appreciative, and invited us back to his restaurant for the following year. Thank you, Emily Brown. Thank you.

Would You Rather?

Live at the Holiday Inn Mart Plaza, or eat a Holiday Inn Mart Plaza muffin out of a certain secretariat member's butt?

Puke up Lalo's chicken flautas four times, or bathe in Lalo's salsa

Track down DJ Menos's social security number, or have DJ Menos play you a lullaby while you're trying to fall asleep

Wear your sexy WBA, or have sex in your WBA?

Go for the girl-tie WBA or, the skanky skirt WBA? Or both.....

Bathe in Misho's cologne, or be Misho's personal secretary?

Watch a MUN dance-off while sober, or kill yourself?

How to wing Best Delegate at ChoMUN (II)

Back by popular demand, secretariat is here to give you the lowdown on ChoMUN's trendiest MUN tactics.

This winning tid-bit has to do with food. The Holiday Eeeen is very proud of their hideous new carpets. They apparently paid a middle-rate interior decorator who couldn't kick it with legit hotel chains to come in and vomit all over the conference area. That being said, they really don't want anyone to spill food on their cheesy fake-marble foyer or their budget brown and orange 1970's carpet. Unless, of course, it is their own burnt maxwell house coffee, mealy apples, or styrofoam bagels. If you want to be best delegate, and you see someone eating outside food, you should repremand that person in front of the chair. An exemplary reprimand sounds something like this: "Please dispose of your dunkin donuts pizza!! In the first place, you're not allowed to eat in here. Second, do you REALLY the extra 2000 calories? Third, when the FUCK did dunkin donuts decide to make pizza? This is wrong on so many levels, you should probably go hang out with your trashy, DD Pizza-Eating cronies someplace where you will not destroy the delicate balance of Holiday Eeenn decor."

On second thought, a surefire way of winning best delegate would be to not eat or drink anything at all throughout the entirety of the conference. Yes, whoever stages the most legit hunger strike will be awarded Best Delegate at ChoMUN XI.

Ms Wall - another person

Name: Amanda Jean Wall
Her Hair: Uses 99cent CVS brand shampoo and cuts her own hair, making her bathroom kinda gross
Her Awesomeness: Actually wrote her background entire paper within 24 hours of being assigned it
Likes: Music that was written before her time, her psychotic roommates who punch holes in the walls and repeat the same phrases over and over, and chicken nuggets.
Roles: Chair - Algeria

Top Five Ways to Please ChoMUN Secretariat

5. Talk about how you would like to model your life (and conference) after our lives (and conference). Ask for a conference t-shirt and mug.

4. Shake the hand of the Chief of Staff. Repeatedly.

3. Explain to the CFO the proper way to use her camera. Bonus points if you tell her what she could have done better to "get the shot". Speak clearly and slowly, as she is a small brown girl, and may not understand you.

2. Ask Secretariat members where your committee room is before checking the map in your delegate guide. Not after. Before. Oh....it's directly in front of you? LOLZ.

1. Come on shake your body baby do that Conga. No, you can't control yourself any longa.

Know your peeps v.inf

Who he is: Fishman
What he does: Chairs Charles V
Physical Description: Hair, golden locks
Origin: The Bay Area
Reason for awesomeness: Dude, look at his hair (plus unlike 95% of staffers can grow facial hair)

Rocking the vote.

The DNC at work, with a clear Obama bias (A good thing).

Dinner After First Session

"I am tired of emails saying that they will cure my small penis. Because I do not have one."
-Name withheld for protective purposes.

More Fame! Northside Edition!

Name: Frances E Low.
Likes: Free market economics
Dislikes: John Maynard Keynes and his academic kin
Other dislikes: Slows, lakeshore drive's 45 MPH speed limit
Rumored secret past: Anti-labor strike breaker.

Give it to Mama

Greg Kamstra: GQ Shoot, Part 1

Bosom Buddies. 15MOF

Who are they? Matthew David Kennedy and Benjamin Andrew Field
Aww cute, they even match. It is kinda cute. They are like those kids who parents dress to match. Though if you look closely they have different tie styles. Notice that Matt's tie is a little narrower and shorter, while Ben's is longer and fatter.
Why do they like each other? Well it started when Benny was a wee little first year and Matty was a wizened second year. They were forced together by an evil empire called MUNUC. Taking an immediate liking to each other, they've been inseparable since.
Who has more success with the ladies? Does that matter when they have each other?

More Fame! Oregon edition

Who is this gorgeous man? Why it is Steven Carl Aaberg
What does he do? Coordinated Crisis Director of the Joint Coordinated Crisis between Edwardian England and Tsarist Russia.
Wow that is a mouthful! Yes it is.
Where is he from? The greatest state in the lower 48.
What state is that? Oregon, duh!
Why is it great? Well in a nutshell, everyone is chill, the grass stays green 365 days of the year (so yes the grass is greener), it isn't expensive, public transit works in Portland and there are trees and mountains!
Why is his middle name Carl? I don't know, ask him

15 min of fame. V.n+1

Name: David Grossman
Position: Crisis Director for OAS
Heritage: Columbia by way of Brooklyn by way of Westchester
Why the picture is fuzzy: Since he'd make a great character in a low-budget slasher film and the focus in such movies sucks. Plus he can be very intimidating. You should fear him.
Dislikes: Hugo Chavez, low grade rum

lone.....ranger? pirate? rodeo princess?

lone delegate

OH HAI

15 seconds of fame. v4

Who: Katherine Klein Berner
Why Featured: She begged to be featured.
Origin: Westchester County, NY
Interests: Sailing, being neurotic, not showering/washing hair, untagging pictures on facebook.

End of Day 1

It's been a long day. Many thanks to all our faithful readers in the Crisis Room and abroad

Quoi?

Utter confusion in the committee room!

Know your secretariat: Gossip Girl

AKA Emily Rees Brown
Official Title: Chief of Staff
Unofficial Title: Head of Committee on Social thought.
Last Occupation: Hanging with crazies down south in 'bama
Favorite website: stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com
Why you shouldn't be afraid of her: She drives a Toyota Prius

Chief of Staff: She's "Intimidating".

15 min of fame: V.3

Name: Alexandra Clare Raphel
Why she is featured: She said in no uncertain terms not to feature her here.
About her: She likes to talk about how she loves ackwardness, but really isn't that ackward.
Role: Staffer - JCC

15 seconds of fame - Take 2

Name: Mr Jad Steven Hopper
Role: Crisis Staffer
Origin: Beirut by way of DC.
Factoid: Wears facial hair, so he doesn't look like he is 12.
Quote:
Secretariat Member: "So what do you do?"
JSH: "Model UN, then Model UN and more Model UN."
SM: "Anything other than that?"
JSH: "Yeah, if I do anything else, I then think 'I should be doing Model UN."

(note secretariat memebers take no responsibility for the accuracy of transcriptions)

Things Get Heated in the Crisis Room

Secretariat Member: "F*** you, Clinton"
Ryan Kaminski: "Hey.....hey.......hey......."

....
...
.

How to win Best Delegate at ChoMUN (I)

The purpose of this post is to keep our more competitive delegates informed on current 'Best Delegate' trends. In years past, the means of winning best delegate were relatively commonplace. Usually, they involved being tall and arrogant or small and screechy. Sometimes we actually awarded 'Best Delegate' to witches. REAL WITCHES WITH HATS. U. Chicago's most legendary Best Delegate thought he was God's gift to Pakistan, the US, high society, and cigarette vendors great and small. I often thanked my small papier mache cow for his presence in my life. THANK YOU ALMIGHTY HEIFER. Alas, the days of the winning arrogance are over.

New trends are beginning to overtake ChoMUN.

First of all, you gotta WANT that gavel. Like, more than you want a job at Goldman Sachs, more than you want to go to Harvard Law, more than you want a burrito from Chipotle..... yes, even the one with extra sour cream. If the chair can see in your eyes that you really want it, that will work to your advantage. Some of the ways to convey wanting with your eyes include batting your eye lashes, or blinking erratically. When you start blinking erratically, you will be well on your way to getting the gavel.

Next, you have to do a good deed. We here at the University of Chicago believe in kindness. More than lessons on Aristotle and Econometrics, kindness has been the key component of our undergraduate education. What constitutes a good deed? Well, if the Chief of Staff looks like she might be thirsty, you could grab her a fruit punch. If she accidentally throws the fruit punch on someone's white suit, you could get that someone a napkin. (Disclaimer: This is a hypothetical situation. The Chief of Staff is not actually a fruit punch thrower, nor does she much enjoy fruit punch. If she asks you for a drink, you should bring whiskey. Single Malt. Thank you.)

These are only a few of the new Best Delegate trends on the MUN circuit. We here at ChoMUN XI are dedicated to keeping you En Vogue. Please stay tuned for more ways to win best delegate at ChoMUN.

A staffer gets her 15 seconds of fame.

Featured Staffer: Kathryne Ann Benesh
Role: Crisis Director, Algeria (also Model UN Team President)
Reason Featured: Was the creepy member that arrived 6 hours before committee session to "set up."
Style: PTA Mom from a Northeastern liberal state
Conversation points: Hiking, Mountains, Saving the World, Subarus. (Also consulting and selling her soul- to bankroll saving the world)

Awww.

Our lovely Sec-Gen.

Quote:
"I'm a silly silly person"

Sharat Has One Suit

Sharat is a hippie from the Pacific Northwest. He is going to spend his life in Econ grad school, waxing intellectual and saying "naaah" repeatedly, while pushing up his glasses. When he gets close to finishing his dissertation, he will most likely develop a heavy lisp. That's all well and good, but in order to complete his image, Sharat only brought one suit to conference.

Granted, he promises to change his shirt and underwear every day, but his exterior will be increasingly covered in jamba juice and McDonald's chicken selects. MMMMMMMMMMMM CHICKEN SELECTS, the meatiest of all McDonald's meat.

Thanks, Sharat, USG for Committees, aka Smoodgy PANTS.

holla

"I'm not gonna ask any questions"

-Lilia Dobreva, Secretary General, as she opened a box to find military costumes covered in the dirt of past crisis staff.


A few hours later, Chief of Staff Emily Brown attempted to dress for opening ceremonies, draping a large scarf around her shoulders. Thankfully, Ms. Brown's "fancy dress" was done away with for the good of all involved.

coincidence, or prophecy?

Rollin'

I CAN HAZ CHOMUNZ?

Noah working hard at life. Sharat, on the other hand, shipped the booklets to the wrong location. Bravo, compadre. Bravo.

Set up/Surfing Facebook

Tonight, We Dine in Hell

Day 1:

Just straight chillin. The soundtrack for the hour is Mariah Carey's grand opus "Touch My Body".